Pre-Mourning Ritual
Do you ever find yourself mourning in advance?
I do this a lot. It might be a defense mechanism: by mourning a future unfortunate outcome I cash in on grief today instead of when the heartbreaking moment inevitably comes, as if I could buy an insurance against the pain by paying the price in advance.
The dog is the occasional unwitting subject of this pre-mourning ritual, much to his chagrin. In moments when I feel big love I hug him tight and whisper in his ear, “don’t die anytime soon, okay? Or ever. Don’t die ever.”
His response is an unamused scowl sometimes coupled with a low growl. He’s turning 13 soon. I am not ready. I may never be ready.
And so I grieve his death in advance. I rehearse the sadness and borrow the pain, as if familiarizing myself with how grief looks and feels like is a good way to prepare myself for when I come face to face with it inevitably.
But who am I kidding, right?